15 tips for victims on how to deal with sexual assault,
abuse and harassment in the West

[Soundvision.com]

It is estimated that one in three women will be raped in her lifetime and that one in seven boys will be sexually assaulted before the age of 18. (the Wisconsin (U.S.A.) Coalition Against Sexual Assault)

Sexual assault, harassment and abuse are crimes which are abhorrent and unacceptable. They are often perpetrated in the privacy of homes or are committed by those whom people may be close to or trust. This makes it not only unacceptable, but shameful as well.

Victims of sexual assault, abuse and harassment often prefer to keep their victimization hidden, fearing blame. But if you are a victim, this is a danger to yourself and to others too, who may become the next victims of the sexual harasser and/or abuser. Here are some things you can do to break the wall of silence and start the healing:

1. Know what sexual assault, abuse and harassment are

Sexual harassment is sexual behavior that is unwanted. Often the harasser is someone in a position of formal authority, but harassment occurs between co-workers or peers as well. Men are sometimes harassed, but most victims of harassment are women. The harasser is almost always male.

Examples of sexual harassment include suggestive comments, pressure for sexual contact, demands for sex in return for a job or other benefit, sexual jokes.

Sexual assault is an attack of a sexual nature, which includes sexual touching or rape.

Sexual abuse is essentially sexual assault but over a prolonged period of time. Incest, or sexual relations between family members like parents and children, or brothers and sisters, is an example of sexual abuse. But sexual abuse can occur outside of the family too.

2. Get medical treatment if you are sexually assaulted or hurt

If you are injured after an attack or sexually assaulted, go to the doctor and get medical treatment as soon as possible. You do not have to tell anyone who caused the injury, but it is better for your treatment if you tell the doctor exactly what happened.

In the case of rape, a medical examination is important to detect injury and for possible protection against a sexually transmitted disease or pregnancy.

3. Know you are not alone and you are not to blame

In the United States, a child is sexually abused every two minutes, according to Senator Christopher Dodd founder of Children's Caucus.

Sexual harassment, assault and abuse are not uncommon and you are not alone. There are others who have suffered in a similar way. It is also important to remember that no one has the right to sexually assault, attack, harass or abuse another person. Islam, in particular, is very strong in its condemnation of this behavior, and requires both Muslim men and women to behave in a respectful and modest way with the opposite sex (see Quran 24:30-31).

4. Tell someone trustworthy about it

Telling someone else about your experience is a way of getting help. If you have been keeping it hidden inside of you because of shame and fear, it's time to break this wall. Confide in someone you can trust. This can be an Imam, it could be a close family member or a good friend. Telling someone is a way for you to heal and a a step towards doing something about the issue.

5. Consider telling the police about it

If you do this, you don't have to press charges, but you may save someone else from being similarly attacked or abused if police know who your perpetrator was.

6. Keep the following documents with you

If you are being sexually abused and you are still living with your abuser, you must get out of there immediately. You may not feel strong enough to do this right away, but it is a step you must consider. Taking this into consideration, it is a good idea to keep some important documents with you when you choose to leave.

These documents include a birth certificate, passport, citizenship papers, immigration papers, health card, social insurance card, the abuser's social insurance number, money and credit cards, checkbook, bankbook, savings bonds, personal telephone and address book, medicine, house keys, drivers license and car keys, clothing for a few days and valuable jewelry. If you have been thinking of leaving the home to escape violence for a while, start collecting these things.

7. If you are under 18 and living with a sexual abuser...

then you can leave more easily and must do so immediately. You may first want to work out a protection plan (see below) with the person you have confided in, a friend, relative, Imam, and may even be able to escape to your confidant's home. Or you may seek help at a local youth shelter.

8. Establish a protection plan

A protection plan is a plan of where you will go to escape from the abuse in the home.

These are the elements of a protection plan:

a. Be aware of when the abuse happens and how often.

b. Decide on some safe place you can go to. This might include the mosque, another home, relatives, friends, hotel, a crisis shelter, or another place in which you feel safe.

c. Decide how you will get there. Keep some money and a set of extra keys with you and some with your family and/or friends, so you can leave by taxi. This way, even if you don't have money, you can quickly escape to the friend's house by taxi when you feel an attack is imminent. You might arrange with friends, neighbors or relatives that they will come and pick you up when you feel it is necessary.

d. Make sure you know where the nearest public phone is and try to memorize the number of the local youth shelter and know what to take when you leave.

9. Know these telephone numbers

The first few pages of a telephone book list numbers of police and other emergency services. Know these numbers by heart. Also, gather information such as the addresses and telephone numbers of people who can help.

10. Notice your feelings

After a sexual assault, you may feel shock, embarrassment, shame, guilt, disbelief, anger, anxiety or nothing at all. These are all normal reactions to a violent crime. Similarly, sometimes months or even years after an assault, survivors reexperience feelings they had immediately following the attack. This is why it's a good idea to consider the next tip.

11. Get counseling

Don't try to heal alone. There are professionals trained to help those who have been abused and assaulted. A local crisis or women's shelter, sexual assault hotlines, and professionals like counselors are better able to help you work through your pain. You are not abnormal, you are simply getting proper assistance from someone who knows how to help you deal with this emotionally and psychologically.


12. For more information go to these places

Women's shelters, police, crown attorney's office-they all have a department dealing with this. You can also check hospitals, multicultural associations, women's centers, a local YWCA, telephone crisis lines, the Public Legal Education and Information Association (in Canada), lawyer referral services, legal aid offices, doctors or public health nurses, social workers, mosques, Islamic centers, Islamic Social Services Association of the United States and Canada (ISSA) or regional Islamic social services.


13. You could get compensation for this crime

You may be eligible for compensation of medical costs or losses incurred as a result of a sexual assault. To receive assistance, you must report the assault to law enforcement personnel within 48 hours and you must file a claim within one year. Call a local Sexual Assault Crisis Center for more information.


14. Find a longer term safe place

Where is the safest place you can stay for a while? It could be family, or a fellow Muslim sister who can open her doors for you. Look for those people who can be sympathetic.


15. Put your trust in Allah and seek strength from Him

Ask Allah's help regularly. He is the source of strength and guidance, and can and will, Insha Allah, help you get through this. Turn to Him regularly in prayer and supplication when you feel overwhelmed with this situation or any other difficulty.



[Originally appeared in Soundvision.com ]

14 tips for Imams in the West for dealing with sexual abuse, assault and harassment
Sexual abuse, assault and harassment are awful crimes, usually perpetrated on women and small children. What makes this form of oppression difficult to deal with is the stigma attached to victims, as well as the hidden reality of it.

As an Imam, you may be confronted by someone who has been a victim of sexual abuse or harassment. Or you may sense something is not right in a family or between certain individuals. In this case, it is your duty, as the Imam and leader of the community to deal with this matter in a just, firm and proper manner. Here are some tips that may help, Insha Allah (God willing):

1. Know the definition of sexual abuse, assault and harassment

From an Islamic perspective, if Islamic rules of modesty and relations between men and women and families were respected, there would be no sexual abuse or harassment. However, Shaitan is always there.

Sexual harassment includes touching someone sexually who a person is not married to. Sexual assault includes rape or attacking someone sexually, even if sexual intercourse does not take place. Sexual abuse happens over a period of time. Often this includes incest, or sexual relations between family members like parents and children, or brothers and sisters.

You can find more information about sexual abuse, assault and harassment at a local police station, women's center or women's shelter.

2. Know that these sexual crimes are unacceptable and must be dealt with swiftly and justly

Reading the above definitions of these sexual crimes make their unIslamic nature very clear. This is why as an Imam, you must be ready to address the issue of sexual assault, abuse and harassment very seriously. As Muslims we must help our brothers and sisters. If they are oppressed, we must help them out of the oppression. If they are the oppressor, we must stop them from oppressing. This principle must be applied to sexual crimes as well.

3. Know the consequences of not addressing this

If you, as the leader of the community, do not address this issue and deal with cases of sexual crimes, Muslim children who have been victims of abuse will either continue to be abused or taken out of their homes and placed with non-Muslim foster parents. These children will also most probably be raised as non-Muslims.

Similarly, if a Muslim woman has been sexually harassed or assaulted and nothing is said to him by the community, or at least its Imam, then this is a signal to other men that such behavior is acceptable. Moreover, the sister who has been the victim of this crime may turn away completely from the Muslim community, where she was unable to gain any sort of justice.

4. Know what services exist in the community

You should give your name as a resource person to sexual assault and abuse hotlines and centers for victims, so that if a Muslim victim wants help from a fellow Muslim, you can be contacted.

You should also know and be in contact with social services and child welfare agencies, which often place children in foster homes. This way, by working in cooperation with them, you can ease placement of abused children in trustworthy Muslim homes.

5. Make yourself available

Contact information and Timings when you, the Imam, are available should be known to all in the community, either through announcements and/or newsletters and bulletin boards. All Imams should have a pager where people can easily reach them in emergencies. There should be one locked mail box which only you can open. There should be an email address for those who wants to seek guidance maintaining their anonymity.

6. Maintain confidentiality (Amanah)

This is extremely important, especially when it comes to victims of sexual crimes. Because Muslims, culturally, are usually very private and silent about these matters, the privacy of the victim must be respected. If it is not, not only is the victim likely to be humiliated and shunned, but you will lose the trust of this person, and possibly others as well.

More importantly, remember that when someone tells you their secret, this is a trust which you are required to keep for the sake of Allah.

7. Seek the help of a professional

Sexual abuse is an issue which must be dealt with by professionals like psychiatrists and psychologists, for example. Try to find a Muslim specialized in this field who can assist you in helping Muslims who are victims of sexual abuse and harassment, since it is very likely they may need counseling. If you know of no Muslim in your community, contact the Islamic Social Services Association (ISSA). They can recommend a Muslim professional. Also, you can seek non-Muslim professionals, but make sure to give them some Islamic parameters within which to work.

8. If you know a child is being sexually abused...

Then you must get the child out of that home immediately. From an Islamic perspective, a parent who does this to their child gives up all rights of a parent. The abuse must stop. If the child is not removed from the environment, some of the future outcomes could be: this child grows up and abuses other children as well; sexual dysfunction; mental and psychological problems.

Please also note: if you are having doubts about whether a child is telling the truth or not, consider that children usually do not lie about sexual abuse. It's not something in their experience unless they are exposed to it. Your first instinct should be to believe them.

9. Bring the issue of sexual abuse, assault and harassment to the community's attention

This will be difficult but it must be done if this topic is to be addressed in the appropriate manner. This can be brought up in a subtle way during a Juma Khutba (Friday sermon) by discussing the Islamic perspective on how men and women should interact: what is Islamically appropriate behavior and what is not.

Similarly, the topic of incest can be dealt with by discussing Islamic guidelines of interaction within the family and the concept of "Mahram" in Islam. Also, discussing the issue of privacy, (i.e. the importance of knocking before entering a room, even within the home) can be a way of addressing this topic without becoming too graphic or shocking.

A note of caution: if you do decide to use a case study from the community when talking about sexual harassment and abuse, make sure not to disclose details which will make it obvious to listeners who is being discussed. This is a violation of privacy. Also be extremely careful in generalization. Don't put down the whole community because you noticed a few cases.

10. Talk about this topic in your study circle

If you teach classes and Islamic study circles, make sure this topic is openly discussed, but once again with wisdom. You can bring it up in the same manner as in the Khutbas.

11. Establish a social services system or committee

In cooperation with Muslim social service professionals in your community, establish a committee which will develop a system for social services in your community to tackle issues like sexual harassment and abuse.

12. Offer premarital counseling or "talks"

When you are approached to conduct the marriage of a young couple, do more than officiate the ceremony. Counsel the potential couple. Spend some time alone with the groom-to-be and discuss issues related to married life, including sexual relations. Get a knowledgeable sister to do the same for the bride-to-be. This is one preventative step to take when dealing the issue of sexual harassment and abuse.

13. Shun the abuser

If you know someone has abused a child, or harassed or assaulted a woman, this person should first be educated. If this does not work, they must be shunned. A clear message has to be sent to them that this behavior is completely unacceptable.

14. Make Dua
As a leader of the community, the well-being of its members is part of your responsibility. Make Dua that Allah helps you in this heavy task and that He eases the difficulties of all those suffering in the community, men, women and children.

May Allah bless you and your family for all the time you give to the community for the sake of Allah.

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6 tips for friends for dealing with sexual abuse in the West
Like with other social ills such as domestic violence, sexual abuse is another arena where parents and friends can help support a victim and assist them in getting help.

Here are a list of tips for people who know someone who is or has been a victim of sexual abuse (which happens over a prolonged period of time) as well as sexual assault (which may involve one instance, such as a rape).

1. Listen to the victim

Sexual abuse is very very difficult to talk about, especially in Muslim cultures where talking about sex is often a taboo or a frowned upon. If someone is confiding in you about abuse of this nature, listen to them carefully.

When it comes to children, you have to be even more attentive. In their case, you should

lead or suggest information to your child, so they can disclose more easily. This is especially hard for them because children have no prior sexual knowledge and if they discuss such issues, it's a sign something may be going on.

2. Believe them

Do not deny the abuse or the incident of sexual harassment is happening or happened. Do not judge them. Show them that you support them no matter what they decide to do about this abuse. Your support is very important because in cases of sexual abuse the perpetrator is likely to deny or blame the victim. You have to stand by them and show your support by believing them.

If you are dealing with a child who is being sexually abused, comfort him or her, and assure him/her that nothing is wrong with him/her.

3. Maintain their confidentiality

This is extremely important, especially in matters pertaining to sexual abuse and harassment, since there is still a pervasive "blame the victim" mentality towards this kind of oppression. As well, if you do not maintain your friend's confidentiality, you may close the door to them trusting anyone ever again with their pain. In the long term, this means they may never trust anyone with this secret and nothing will be done about it.

4. Talk to them about getting out of the situation

If your friend is being sexually abused on a regular basis, you need to help them get out of that situation. If they are older, you need to persuade them to do this by developing protection plans (see tips for domestic violence victims in the west) and helping them find a safe place to stay. Discuss these issues.

If however, there is a child being sexually abused in the home (in this case, it is highly likely this involves incest), there must be no persuasion. The child needs to be taken out of the home immediately. Contact a trustworthy Imam or Muslim, as well as a social worker about this. They can get the information and resources necessary to get the child out of that house and Insha Allah (God willing) to safety.


5. Encourage them to seek professional help

The ideal would be to consult a Muslim professional like a psychiatrist or a counselor. You can contact the Islamic Social Services Association of the United States and Canada, for instance, to see where the nearest professional to you is located.

However, if that is not available, you can recommend professional help of this nature in mainstream social services, but do seek the help of a trustworthy Muslim authority, like an Imam, for example, who can give them that necessary Islamic support as well.

6. Keep in contact with them

Even if your friend does not take your advice, keep in contact with him/her and keep supporting them. They may not be ready to take a step yet, but they may be in the future Insha Allah (if God wills). You need to keep encouraging them and supporting them to do this

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